I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
birth control should be required to get into college
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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