Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
