Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Randomize
