the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
We have so much sex to catch up on
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Randomize
