Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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