Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
It's blow job season.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Randomize
