A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
