so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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