Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
