So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
