I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
