this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
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