I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
