I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
