One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
