ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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