Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
