So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
It's shark week go big or go home
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
