proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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