i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Randomize
