My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
