She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
