first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
When did angry sex become our thing?
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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