Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
