Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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