when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
