Umm I'm too high to move.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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