just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
19 Characteristics That Make People Instantly Attractive
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
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OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's