I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
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Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
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When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.