I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
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i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
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Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off