I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
