Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
So squirting runs in the family.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
