My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
