Will you blow on my dice?
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
