of course. lets lasso hookers.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
