Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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