Does leaving at 3 give Sara enough time to take the bus or are you picking her up?
I cant tell if your joking or not, but I'm picking her up
Do you need some kind of permission slip from her parents or can anyone just go and grab a high schooler these days?
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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