my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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