Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
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