awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Randomize
