I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
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