He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
