My Higher Power is John Stamos
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
