btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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