Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
