I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
