is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
