Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Two words: nipple clamps
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