Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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