Buhtt sex?
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
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