I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
whose parrot is this?
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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