you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
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