Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
