I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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