i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I love you.
Bad choice
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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