my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Someone shattered a urinal.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Randomize
