you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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