I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
