I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I am available for nakedness
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Randomize
