I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
